by Jakub Švanda
The Kind of Man My Father Is
The metal snaps against wood
loud enough we pause the TV.
We go over to the trap and
I pray for quick death, a false alarm.
Instead, my sisters and I
find a mouse caught,
jaw broken, back paws
frantically kicking at the metal arm crushing it.
My bone marrow wants to free it,
wants to put warning signals around the traps.
My father walks in,
My sisters and I freeze before scurrying to the couch.
I keep my eyes on the TV
Careful not to watch what happens behind me.
He picks up the trap, struggling mouse
and all, walks to the wood stove.
In one motion, with no more emotion
than putting another log on the fire,
my father opens the door
lifts the metal arm.
I can still hear the mouse screaming.
Deadname II
They say her name and it’s like the aftermath of a concussion –
the memories that were there
neatly assembled, categorized,
are suddenly disjointed and hazy,
coupled with a headache and nausea.
I knew her once,
they tell me they know her now,
and I’m not sure what the truth is.
They say her name and my chest ignites,
gasoline on a campfire
capable of burning the entire forest down.
I knew her once,
they tell me they know her now,
and I’m not sure what the truth is.
Nine years of distance and yet
the car crash is too close.
I knew her once,
they tell me they know her now,
and I’m not sure what the truth is.
My therapist tells me
when the trauma becomes too much
too fast
our bodies can sever from our minds
can take a scalpel to skin
and let a new life begin.
I knew her once,
they tell me they know her now,
and I’m not sure what the truth is.
My therapist doesn’t warn me
memories are kindling in which to set ourselves on fire,
and in this case,
the one where they ask me to resurrect a dead girl,
they ask me to burn alive.
Lynne Schmidt is a mental health professional and an award winning poet and memoir author. She is the author of the poetry chapbooks, Gravity (Nightingale and Sparrow Press), and On Becoming a Role Model (Thirty West). Her work has received the Maine Nonfiction Award, Editor’s Choice Award, and was a 2018 and 2019 PNWA finalist for memoir and poetry respectively. Lynne is a five time 2019 Best of the Net Nominee, and an honorable mention for the Charles Bukowski Poetry Award. In 2012 she started the project, AbortionChat, which aims to lessen the stigma around abortion. When given the choice, Lynne prefers the company of her three dogs and one cat to humans.
Jakub Švanda: Queer writer, poet, and visual artist, MA student in Brno, Czech Republic. My art is a compulsion, an itch scratched with satisfaction.